


Not in That Way

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Drinking, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-16 00:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11817507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: There's an easy quality that comes with spending time with Aaron, one that he's never put much thought into, not until he finds himself sprawled across Aaron's living room floor





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do have something happy in the works I promise  
> written for a prompt by Guro/Gurp/lesbianchrissie: unrequited bartle with current Aaron drunkenly confessing his feelings and Adam trying to let him down gently :))))))))))))))))

They’ve been drinking, both of them. Although Adam isn’t blind to the fact he’s only tipsy, brushing the line of drunk while Aaron is completely and utterly wankered. Adam reckons it has something to do with the new medication he’s on. Beyond that, the point is that, he and Aaron have been drinking together- the way they used to. It’s good.  If Adam were to be totally honest with himself he’s missed having his best mate all to himself without anyone breathing down their necks. He also kind of likes being able to thrash Aaron relentlessly at FIFA because Adam is the only one out of the two of them that still has somewhat decent fine motor control.

Evidently Aaron has decided that he’s had enough of consistently losing every match they’ve played for the last hour because he’s tried and failed - miserably, to put his controller back onto the table before turning to press his face into a cushion. Adam has to bite back a laugh because it was such an _Aaron_ thing to do. He puts his own controller successfully down onto the table and shuffles over to be closer to Aaron. Instead of looking up at Adam like he should be doing, Aaron doesn’t move at all, and really in Adam’s books, that’s just unacceptable. The first thing he tries is jabbing his fingers into Aaron’s side and then into the side of his neck but each attempt only rewarded him with a half-hearted jerk and irritated mumble. That’s when he decides that it’s time to bring out the big guns, sticking his finger into his mouth, he leans closer to Aaron before pulling his finger out of his mouth and sticking it firmly into his ear. Finally! He gets a real reaction, Aaron slapping his arm away and shoving him off the sofa and onto the floor. Afterwards he pushes his face back into the cushion but Adam’ll take his victories where he can get them.

“Aw! Is someone having a strop?” he teases as if he isn’t the one sat on the floor while Aaron gets to stay on his comfy sofa. Dickhead.

The idea strikes him like lightning, and just as quickly as, he’s darting his hands out to wrap around Aaron’s ankles and yanking him down onto the ground as well. Naturally a fight ensues, it’s all un-coordinated limbs and hair pulling and laughter. It’s something they’ve done a thousand times before and it is wonderful in its familiarity. The fight drags on for some time but ultimately ends with Adam holding Aaron under his arm, victorious. Only when Aaron finally goes limp in his arms, he doesn’t feel victorious any more, the air becoming charged with the weight of _something._

“I’d do anything for you, I love you so much” Aaron mumbles into his shoulder and Adam is scared of what is yet to come because this doesn’t sound like Aaron’s usual drunken ramblings “God, Ad, I’m so fucking in love with you” Adam’s breath catches in his throat.

“Aaro-“

“I know, okay, I know. Just- I just- let me pretend for five minutes” Aaron cuts him off before he can really speak, he inhales to try again but once again he’s cut off “ _please,_ ”

“Aaron, mate, you know I love you, _I do_ , I- just not in that way” He can’t help but grip onto Aaron tighter as he says the words as if it’ll ease the growing ache in his chest, because Aaron is hurting, his best friend is hurting and he doesn’t know how to help. He can’t help because he’s the reason that Aaron is hurting. “I’m sorry”

“You don’t need to be sorry” Aaron is quick to reassure him “it’s not like it’s your fault I don’t know how to control myself now is it?”

For a while they lay there together in silence and Adam should push away, get up, leave, _something._ Because every moment he stays here, Adam feels like he’s leading Aaron on, giving him hope of something that Adam simply cannot give. He doesn’t though because the selfish part of Adam needs to stay and seek comfort in his best friend. When he’s upset Aaron is always the one he goes to and Adam doesn’t want to break the habit now. So he doesn’t move, he lets Aaron bury his head into his shoulder and he ignores the damp steadily soaking into his skin.

“Adam?”

“Yeah mate?”

“Please don’t stop being my friend” Aaron’s voice is small, desperate, _begging._ Pleading with Adam not to abandon him, the thought of not being Aaron’s friend hadn’t even crossed his mind. Thinking about it made the dull ache in his chest sharpen into focus. As if he could ever do that. He hates that Aaron is doubting it, doubting their friendship, doubting him. He doesn’t quite know how to put it right.

“Never” he says, the vehemence in his voice startles even him, “I would never do that to you mate”

They lay on the ground together for a while longer, until he hears Aaron’s breathing even out and he falls into a state of drunken sleep. Usually when they have these nights, they end up sleeping leant against one another on the sofa. This time though, Adam gently untangles himself from Aaron and rises to his feet. Tonight he leaves to go and sleep in the spare room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait but here you go the promised part 2

When Aaron wakes up, he’s laid out on the floor, he hurts all over, but most of all he’s _alone_. He doesn’t remember exactly what happened last night but he can’t shake the overwhelming feeling that he made a mistake. After all after a night like the one they’d had Aaron usually wakes with his face pressed into Adam’s thigh, or shoulder, or stomach but certainly never alone. So he must have really screwed up this time if even Adam had to get away from him.

Then he hears the familiar sounds of Adam clattering down the stairs because if Adam is still here it means whatever happen last night can’t have been that bad. Then it all comes back to him, what he did last night, what he’d said and, oh god, Aaron’s ruined everything hasn’t he. He can’t help but spring to his feet despite the fact the almost every part of his body- his head in particular are protesting.

“Adam- about last night, can we just forget it. I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything haven’t I? I- oh god- I’m so, so sorry- please don’t hate me” it all comes pouring out in a desperate rush of words he doesn’t know how to stop. All he knows is that he’s got to find some way of taking it back, of fixing this. It feels an impossible feat. Aaron fears he’s lost yet another person to his own stupidity. He doesn’t even notice that he’s been backing away in a panic until his back hits the wall. He forces himself to unclench his fists from tugging at his hair, if he’s going to lose Adam he can at least do it with a little bit of dignity intact.

“Aaron, _it’s okay_ ” He stresses the words as he approaches Aaron slowly, like Aaron wasn’t the personification of a creepy stereotype. “You can’t help having feelings Aaron, you haven’t ruined anything” the words sound resolute, like Adam has had a lot of time to think, maybe he has, Aaron doesn’t know.

“You left me,” The accusation hangs heavy, but it feels like a joke, as if Aaron has any right to be making accusations right now.

“Sorry mate, but _some_ of us want to sleep in real beds like real civilized people and not hurt all over in the morning” The humour in his voice defuses the situation slightly, but they both know that isn’t the reason that Adam went to sleep upstairs but Aaron is grateful for the attempt anyway.

****

After that morning, Aaron would like to say that his and Adam’s friendship had gone entirely back to normal, but it hadn’t. For weeks their conversations had become stilted and awkward in a way that had Aaron wishing that Adam would have just left him outright instead of prolonging things. The casual intimacy that their relationship had always had was all but gone, leaving an ache in his chest that Aaron had no idea how to fix. _This was his fault after all,_ because he couldn’t get a handle on a doomed crush he had lost one of the best things in his life.

In the end, the saying that time heals all seems to have rung true, because Adam begins to smile at him again. Properly smiling at him instead of the false strained one from before, the friendly hand on his shoulder, or clamped around the back of his neck came back too. Things were good again. Aaron doesn’t even know how to begin to explain how relieved he is that his stupidity hasn’t cost him one of the most important relationships in his life.

They’re just sat together in the portacabin when it all starts to go wrong again. It’s been a little over a month since Aaron’s ill-advised confession and Aaron had thought that they were okay now. It isn’t as if they’re doing anything different than they usually would when they’re both sorting through the paperwork that somehow always manages to pile up no matter what they do. The easy chatter they fall into during these times is nice, for like of a better word. None of it is deep or particularly meaningful or even funny the way it always seems to be in films, but it’s just so intrinsically him and Adam that he wouldn’t want it to be.

When Adam grins over at him, Aaron can’t help but smile back. He doesn’t look back down to his work as quickly as he probably should have, because he watches as the grin drops from Adam’s face, it’s barely gone a second before another smile takes its place, but this time the smile is strained and thin around the edges. He thinks that if he were a rational person he wouldn’t have even noticed. Or maybe he would have. Either way Aaron can feel the fear begin to settle back into his bones.

“You alright mate?” Aaron knows that he should leave it alone, should not make the situation any worse than it is, but like a scab he couldn’t help but pick at it.

“Yeah, Yeah- just fucked something up that’s all”

They sit in a tense silence for almost five minutes, before Adam gets up and leaves with an excuse about having to do something outside. Aaron doesn’t know why he ever thought that this was all going to be okay.

****

 

“I think Adam hates me”

He’s sat in his counsellor’s office and he wasn’t planning to bring it up at all. Somehow Aaron’s ridiculous unrequited crush didn’t seem like it was important enough to bring up in this time even though his counsellor has said more than once that he can talk about whatever he needs to, no matter how big or small it might be. He knows that from the outside how he must look, whiny, awful, and creepy. In his head though it seems to fill as much space as it can and if he were to be entirely truthful with himself he needs a little help piecing it all together.

“Why do you think that?” Aaron has never really gotten on with the counsellors he’s had in the past, but he likes her, Louise. He doesn’t feel like she’s judging him when they talk.

“I did something stupid, and everything was fine for ages after and now he’s acting _off_ and I know it’s all my fault” When he says it out loud the explanation doesn’t seem as reasonable as it does in his head. He pulls the string of his hoodie up to his mouth,

“You’ve been thinking a lot about this.” She says “You and Adam are very close, he’s one of the first people you’ve said to contact on your action plan for when you’re feeling bad isn’t he?”

“Yeah” He’s not sure why this is relevant though, Adam could have started hating him since they decided on the action plan.

“Don’t you think it’s more likely that Adam Is upset about something else and it actually has nothing to do with him hating you?” Her explanation sounds much more plausible than his, but Aaron’s still not convinced that she’s right. As if sensing his uncertainty she starts to speak again “Maybe it would be best to talk to Adam and ask him how he’s doing, what do you think Aaron?”

“Yeah, that sounds good” He settles on saying around the string of his hoodie.

Thinking about it, it really does make sense that this isn’t his doing. Everything _had_ been fine between them. Aaron resolves that he’s going to text Adam after he leaves so he can find out what’s been bothering him. Adam’s his best friend after all and Aaron should be there for him. He wasn’t sure that talking to a counsellor would help all that much but having someone with no real stakes in his life beyond his wellbeing to talk to and talk to him more often than not makes working through everything in his head seem much simpler.

“Okay, is there anything else that you’d like to talk about?”

****

In the end, it takes him almost a full twenty-four hours to work up the nerve to text Adam. It shouldn’t have been nearly as difficult as it was, but although he had left his counsellor with his head clearer than when he had gone in, she wasn’t able to dispel the fear from every corner of his mind. So instead of doing what he’d said he’d do, Aaron decides that the bathroom is in need of a good clean. As it happens nervous procrastination does wonders for the state of his house. He knows he can’t put it off forever though and sends of a quick text to Adam.

_Do you want to come over to mine?_

It’s barely ten minutes before Aaron gets a response.

_Sure on my way now_

It’s a small village so realistically he knows that it isn’t going to take Adam long to get here but to him it feels like he’s waiting for hours, hovering awkwardly by the front door and picking up mess from the sides. After what feels like a truly monumental wait, Aaron hears the tell-tale sounds of crunching gravel up his drive. It’s probably a little creepy of him to pull the door open before Adam has even stepped out of the car, but he’s been nervously waiting for Adam to arrive for longer than ideal, so he does it anyway.

“Alright mate!” He calls out as Adam steps out of the car and strides over to him. Aaron steps to the side to allow Adam to push past him into the house. _It’s now or never,_ he thinks. Carefully he shuts the door behind him before turning to talk to Adam “Are you okay? I mean- you’ve just been a bit off lately mate, and I just wanted you to know that if something has gone on that I’m here for you, oka-“

He’s cut off because Adam is kissing him.

Adam is kissing him and it’s everything he has wanted since he was an angry teenager. He doesn’t understand why Adam is kissing him though, after all Adam has made it clear that he isn’t interested at all. There’s also no real reason that Adam would even _want_ to kiss him. Aaron’s not exactly a catch. He doesn’t understand why Adam would be doing this, the only thing he can think of is that it’s supposed to be a joke. Only, if it is a joke, it isn’t a funny one. It’s cruel and hurtful and he has no idea why Adam would do it because he isn’t either of those things, because they’re supposed to be friends. A friend wouldn’t do this to him. As the confusion dissipates the anger sets in and Aaron pushes down the voice of his teenaged-self screaming at him, _it doesn’t matter, take what you can get,_ and pushes Adam away with both hands on his chest.

“Jesus Adam, you can’t- you can’t just _play_ with me like that” He hates how he’s shouting, he shouldn’t show Adam that this is affecting him as much as it is, “So what you just thought ‘Oh! I’ll just kiss stupid, pathetic Aaron, see how far I can take it then laugh in his face’ well fuck you Adam, fuck you”

“No Aaron it wasn’t like that” He’s too far gone now though, he doesn’t give a shit about what Adam has to say about it.

“Shut up” he’s almost screaming at him now “Just get out, I don’t want you here”

Roughly, Aaron forces Adam out of the door and down the drive before marching back up the drive with his head held high and slams the front door behind him. Once he’s behind the safety he lets it drop and starts to cry. They’re meant to be friends. Aaron doesn’t understand what he did for Adam to do that to him. Adam had no right to do that to him, he’s not some fucking doll to play with. Maybe he would’ve taken that when he was younger but not now. Before he knows what he’s doing he’s turning around and driving his fist into the wooden door. He wants to start screaming and never stop. Of all the people in the world he never thought Adam would betray his trust like this. He doesn’t understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said there would be a happy ending, I just didn't say when ;)  
> as always thank you for reading and feedback is always welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feedback is always welcome :) thinking about putting a second, happier chapter in the works for this what do y'all think?


End file.
